It really saddens me when I read some of the spam that passes though my inbox on its way to Deleteville. It makes me think that society is really more f’ck’d up than it should be. I do try to put it all into perspective, though. I remind myself that what I see is all crap and that it represents the thinking of an inconsequential percentage of the world’s population (or so I hope). But still, when you see enough of it — in concentrated doses — it’s sort of pathetic. In this post I will share two spams I see a lot and I will try to set the record straight, at least as I see it.
9 Out of 10 Women Agree
Sorry ladies. I intend you no disrespect by speaking on this topic.
Women, according to some of the spam I see, prefer men with a large phallus. Wait, let me rephrase that to better capture the true essence: Women, according to some of the spam I see, prefer men with a such an enormous phallus that it could have previously belonged to a large domesticated farm animal, and can literally split them down the middle and batter their womb. Don’t look at me, that’s spam talkin’ and it’s even more explicit in some of the emails I see.
Gentlemen, get real. If you’re well endowed it doesn’t mean you know how to use it. And if you know how to use it — and other parts perhaps — you don’t have to be well endowed. Got both? Cool. But, if you want a more serious relationship with a woman, you need to understand that your size has little to no bearing on your relationship’s long-term success.
Count me lucky I guess, I don’t need any of this. Yet, even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. I can do more with my man-words and experience than a gaggle of boys with giant winkies. If you want to please your wife or girlfriend, try being nice to her. Treat her at least as well as you treat your friends. Show her this by actually caring about what she has to say and be with her. If she loves you enough, you’ll be able to pleasure her with your giant heart and a warm fuzzy feeling well in excess of that you could do with a newer, bigger tool. If you think the size of your pecker dictates the health of your love life you’re wrong. If you’re a playboy or gigolo, disregard. Carry on. If you have a real problem, though, I am not suggesting you don’t seek help. Keep reading…
Cure What Ails You
Really, Mister Doctor, can it possibly be true? And only $9.95?
Are you too fat? Is your cholesterol too high? Is something dysfunctional? Got zits, bad? Can’t sleep? Can’t stay awake? Can’t focus? Smoke too much? Nerves gotcha? There is a pill available just for you! Just go online to that little Canadian Pharmacy located in Georgia, Russia. You know, the one that advertises through a zombie computer located in Bejing, China, managed by a fellow named “webpoison” in San Fransisco, California. One pill, the real thing, no prescription needed, credit cards accepted, confidentiality assured, and it’s 75% off — click here fool.
I’m very sorry for you, but if you went there and actually did that then you have an even bigger problem to contend with. You either lack common-sense or, worse, your cranium happens to be stuck in your rectum. Pull it out. Seriously, unpucker and pop!
Eat right, exercise, and live in moderation. If you still have a legitimate medical issue, then see your doctor. Don’t give your credit card number to “webpoison” no matter how convincing the come-on may be or how embarrassed you feel. Your doctor won’t laugh at your problem (they’re paid to keep a straight face). Do know, your doctor may rob you so not all’s peaches and cream, but hopefully you have insurance to help offset the financial loss incurred when making your doctor’s next settlement, yacht, or tuition payment. At least your credit rating won’t take a hit and you will still be you at the end of the day.
Nuff Said — For Now
I’ve had enough for now. I even see this rubbish on television nowadays. Pharmaceuticals commercials for everything and television spots endorsing enlargement pills and enhancement creams. On the pills and creams, what the hell?! Are people that insecure or needy that they buy into this? As far as the pharmaceuticals spots, they’re just annoying.
This topic, while sometimes capable of bringing on the giggles, often depresses me so I’ll stop at two. To learn more about the world’s spam epidemic — in case you weren’t aware — here are a few random posts (and comments) that will show you you’re not alone, show you what others are getting in their inboxes, or on their forums, blogs, and guestbooks, or maybe just make you laugh out loud, shake your head, or roll your eyes.
- The Pickards: A Spam Smörgåsbord
- Beast-Blog: Don’t be an Internet Fool
- 456 Berera St: Reading comment spam can be fun
- The Pickards: Further Spam Reflections
- Molly.com: Best. Spam. Ever.
- The Pickards: Another Spam Selection
- Zeldman.com: Guestbook Spam Gambit of the Week
- Beast-Blog: My Responses to Spam — Literally